I Did NOT Choose This!

.

Sometimes I beat myself up.

.

I think

"What are you doing Ross?"

"Your 51 and divorced"

"In a strange town the other side of the country"

"Out dancing alone"

"When any non-loser would be curled up watching box sets on a couch, with someone who loves them"

"In a mortgaged home"

"With thier kids playing upstairs"

"What the hell is wrong with you!?"

"You silly idiot tool!"

.

Then I remember some key facts.

.

I was not unfaithful

I pretty much accepted the sexless marriage she enforced, even though it hurt.

I was not a scary man

I tried to keep things going

I did not stop loving my wife

I did not leave my wife

I did Not make this choice!

IT WAS MADE FOR ME!

BY HER!

.

The things I DID choose.

I chose to leave when she asked me to.

I chose to give her the house, for the kids sake.

I chose to not stay in my little rented flat and wait to die of old age.

I chose the scrape up what was left of my personality, she had not eaten and the rest of my scattered heart,

And chose to try and make a new life, from almost nothing 

I chose to not quit.

.

I did  Not chose This!

This was done to me!

But out of the few choices I was allowed left,

The choices I Did make were the brave ones 

..

Time to stop beating myself up,

For Her boredom with me.

.

.

.