.
Here is a little bit of oversharing
Of my gross stupidity...
.
... Back when I was married.
For the last year or more of that marriage, I slept on the couch.
Despite how uncomfortable it was.
It was too distressing to wake up next to someone I loved and not be able to reach out to them.
Because they did not want me to ever touch them.
(In my opinion, She felt like this because I was fat.)
.
But that's not the stupid part.
.
The stupid part is that it is THIS!
.
It is over a year later since the divorce
She now loves someone else.
Yet despite this...
.
... When,
I am sometimes stupid enough to still miss her.
I sleep on the couch in my flat.
Instead of the bed.
Despite how uncomfortable it is.
So, I don't miss her as much.
.
Is there ANYTHING, or ANYONE as pathetic as I am!
.
Guess what?
I'll be sleeping on my couch tonight.
Because I am a Total Fucking Idiot! - Who can't get his own stupid arse feelings in order!
.
.
I am annoyed at myself and my lack of progress.
I have done all the right things, that all the articles say.
I have cut communication.
Tried to get fit and healthy.
Got involved in the world.
Tried to date.
Go out dancing.
I have worked my hardest to move on - for well over a year. And still failing.
.
- Meanwhile, her life seems to be everything she wants it to be and more.
- She's moved on just fine with a breezy lack of any effort as if I never mattered in the first place.
I bet she has not shed a single tear of sadness, at all, even a bit.
.
Here is a little bit of oversharing
Of my gross stupidity...
.
... Back when I was married.
For the last year or more of that marriage, I slept on the couch.
Despite how uncomfortable it was.
It was too distressing to wake up next to someone I loved and not be able to reach out to them.
Because they did not want me to ever touch them.
(In my opinion, She felt like this because I was fat.)
.
But that's not the stupid part.
.
The stupid part is that it is THIS!
.
It is over a year later since the divorce
She now loves someone else.
Yet despite this...
.
... When,
I am sometimes stupid enough to still miss her.
I sleep on the couch in my flat.
Instead of the bed.
Despite how uncomfortable it is.
So, I don't miss her as much.
.
Is there ANYTHING, or ANYONE as pathetic as I am!
.
Guess what?
I'll be sleeping on my couch tonight.
Because I am a Total Fucking Idiot! - Who can't get his own stupid arse feelings in order!
.
.
I am annoyed at myself and my lack of progress.
I have done all the right things, that all the articles say.
I have cut communication.
Tried to get fit and healthy.
Got involved in the world.
Tried to date.
Go out dancing.
I have worked my hardest to move on - for well over a year. And still failing.
.
- Meanwhile, her life seems to be everything she wants it to be and more.
- She's moved on just fine with a breezy lack of any effort as if I never mattered in the first place.
I bet she has not shed a single tear of sadness, at all, even a bit.
.
.
So, I am going to change tactics,
I plan to fold the community group I run in 4 weeks time,
Resign my committee membership of that CC,
Do one more art opening in the summer (if I get in)
Then withdraw and become reclusive instead.
.
It will take a good six months to fully leave all the activities and groups -
But I should have folded everything up by next Christmas and be able to hide from the world.
.
.
Then I can stop
Withdraw from the world.
Hide in my flat
Stop caring about the wider issues.
...and finally put some real effort into "Giving Up”.
(I, instead, call it becoming realistic)
Hopefully for good this time
.
There is no one, unmet, out there to keep trying for,
Alone, for myself is not enough.
And the hope hurts too much.
.
I can just stink
Watch porn
Get fat
Get gross
...and quit
.
I may Never be "Happy”.
But I will be far less "Unhappy”, less “Angry”,
If I am disciplined enough
To stop trying to achieve "happiness".
And to stop pointlessly “hoping”.
.
A load of Grade (A) wasted effort
12 months of trying
And only Grade ( F ) Results
.
.So, I am going to change tactics,
I plan to fold the community group I run in 4 weeks time,
Resign my committee membership of that CC,
Do one more art opening in the summer (if I get in)
Then withdraw and become reclusive instead.
.
It will take a good six months to fully leave all the activities and groups -
But I should have folded everything up by next Christmas and be able to hide from the world.
.
.
Then I can stop
Withdraw from the world.
Hide in my flat
Stop caring about the wider issues.
...and finally put some real effort into "Giving Up”.
(I, instead, call it becoming realistic)
Hopefully for good this time
.
There is no one, unmet, out there to keep trying for,
Alone, for myself is not enough.
And the hope hurts too much.
.
I can just stink
Watch porn
Get fat
Get gross
...and quit
.
I may Never be "Happy”.
But I will be far less "Unhappy”, less “Angry”,
If I am disciplined enough
To stop trying to achieve "happiness".
And to stop pointlessly “hoping”.
.
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