Horrible moments of male clarity. By Ross e f Lombardi.

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Horrible moments of male clarity.
By Ross e f Lombardi.
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Unfortunately for me,
Despite being a 52-year-old male,
I have a high sex drive,
And being single, this leads to porn.
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And while porn serves a purpose,
It relieves built-up tension,
Very much like the relief you get after blowing your nose,
Or letting out a fart that was making you uncomfortable.
Gross and messy but also necessary for basic self-management and self-maintenance.
I hate that moment of after cum clarity.
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That moment when I, then, remember.
That despite the dating apps,
Despite the effort of getting thinner.
That despite going out and trying to be in this world,
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That coldly, realistically, statistically,
Not just because I'm financially barren,
Not just because of how weird I look physically,
But because also of how disfigured I am on the inside,
How broken,
How scared and damaged in mind and soul,
How ugly I am as a person, full of rage, humiliation and failure,
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That This!
This!
Is all I will ever have.
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That any time of real connection,
Of any deep true intimacy,
Of romantic love,
Is now past.
Is now over,
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That horrible after orgasm realization,
That this,
Porn,
Is all I will ever have now.
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I need to learn to accept this fact.
To be sensible,
To be honest.
To Stop tying,
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I must accept reality,
Stop painfully hoping.
Stop being delusional and stupid.
Stop crying.
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If I ever want to feel some shallow version of "happy"
Stop wanting the impossible.
And just get on with other things.
As they are.
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