What others call "self-loathing" I call instead "moral self-discipline".   It stops the excuses, the delusions, the self-licensing, and guards against narsasim. I'd take what you call "self-loathing" a hundred times over the slightest risk of ever accidentally becoming like either my wife beating dad or like certain other men we all know about. (My genetic dad: Not My namesake Mr Lombardi who is technically my stepdad and who is a good man.) Letting go of that protection seems as stupid, to me, as not wearing a seatbelt on a motorway. Yes, a crash might be unlikely,  But I would not risk it anyway! I'd rather feed myself slowly into a slow-moving rusty wood chipper than become my evil genetic father! So, I am not risking it. I'd rather be unhappy than become a danger to others.

THE MASKED.- My own bullshit exposed! I often say how much I hate macho toxic culture. Then stupidly do or say something toxicly bullshit macho - sometimes in the same bloody sentence. But I AM trying to be better than that. This is hard to write but if I really want a 'safer for women' and less 'toxic male' world. Then I have to bury my pride, lose the ego and make it start with me. So as part of my commitment to. "Ruthlessly and brutally kicking the crap out of myself in public when I fall below my own standards" Let's compare the macho masquerade to the 'beatle on its back' reality. Part 1: The bullshit disguise: I refuse to talk to or be in the same room as my ex Ever again. Even if that means missing the weddings of my children and the christenings of my grandchildren. She will never be forgiven. I will make my final words on my deathbed cursing her name. And if I die before she does - keep her the hell away from my funeral!! Part 2: The har...