!
.
.
Scenario 1:
DAD:
“What are you all doing?”
.
10-Year-Old Daughter:
“Me and Mummy are looking up ‘Warrior Cat’ Books on Amazon for my birthday.”
.
DAD:
“Cool,”
“It will be nice to have some emergency toilet paper if we need it.”
.
10-Year-Old Daughter:
“DADDY!”
<Her eyes narrow…>
“I WILL slit your throat!”
.
MUM
“EXCUSE ME!"
.
Do I like Books?
..
Scenario 1:
.
GIFTS
.
Someone gives me a Book as a gift!
.
“Thank you very much for the book!”
.
“I am very grateful!”
.
“This means a lot to me!”
.
.
“No!”
.
“You cannot borrow it!”
.
“And you certainly are not allowed to put fucking marks all over it!”
.
“It is now mine!”
.
“It is my precious!...”
.
.
Scenario 2:
.
Someone gives me a Book as a gift!
.
“Thank you very much for the book!”
.
“I am very grateful!”
.
“This means a lot to me!”
.
.
“No!”
.
“You cannot borrow it!”
.
“And you certainly are not allowed to put fucking marks all over it!”
.
“It is now mine!”
.
“It is my precious!...”
.
.
Scenario 2:
.
TIME TRAVEL
.
I somehow manage to personally meet William Shakespeare!
.
.
“I’ll break my staff and bury it far underground, and throw my book of magic spells deeper into the sea than any anchor ever sank”
.
.
“Fuck off William!”
.
“You selfish dick head!”
.
“I don’t give two craps about your length of wood!”
.
“But, If you do not want those cool books then do not waste them!”
.
"Give them to me, and let me have them!"
.
.
“NO!”
.
.
“I do Not want you to sign it first!”
.
“Piss off! You evil book murderer!”
.
.
Scenario 3:
.
I somehow manage to personally meet William Shakespeare!
.
.
“I’ll break my staff and bury it far underground, and throw my book of magic spells deeper into the sea than any anchor ever sank”
.
.
“Fuck off William!”
.
“You selfish dick head!”
.
“I don’t give two craps about your length of wood!”
.
“But, If you do not want those cool books then do not waste them!”
.
"Give them to me, and let me have them!"
.
.
“NO!”
.
.
“I do Not want you to sign it first!”
.
“Piss off! You evil book murderer!”
.
.
Scenario 3:
.
HISTORY 101.
I find out at age 10 about the burning of Great Library of Alexandria!
.
.
I am now 46!
.
Yes!
.
I am the sort of person that still get extremely pissed off,
.
Every time I think of,
Burning of the Great Library of Alexandria!
.
.
Scenario 4:
I find out at age 10 about the burning of Great Library of Alexandria!
.
.
I am now 46!
.
Yes!
.
I am the sort of person that still get extremely pissed off,
.
Every time I think of,
Burning of the Great Library of Alexandria!
.
.
Scenario 4:
.
SWEET TEMPTATION!.
.
Temptation by the forces of Evil!
.
Wanting to read everything ever,
.
Is the only decent reason to want physical immortality.
.
.
Evil Vampire! :
.
“Once you taste of my blood,”
.
“You will never get to see another sunrise!”
.
“You will have to sustain yourself from the blood of the living!”
.
“You will be forever tormented and cursed!”
.
.
Me :
.
“Yeh!”
.
“But on the plus side, I do get the ability to read in the dark?”
.
“Correct?”
.
.
Scenario 5:
.
Temptation by the forces of Evil!
.
Wanting to read everything ever,
.
Is the only decent reason to want physical immortality.
.
.
Evil Vampire! :
.
“Once you taste of my blood,”
.
“You will never get to see another sunrise!”
.
“You will have to sustain yourself from the blood of the living!”
.
“You will be forever tormented and cursed!”
.
.
Me :
.
“Yeh!”
.
“But on the plus side, I do get the ability to read in the dark?”
.
“Correct?”
.
.
Scenario 5:
.
THE MIND!
.
Insanity!
.
I am not sure if there is such a thing as “Book Sickness” Or “Book Madness” the same way Tolkien described “Gold Sickness” Or “Gold Madness”,
.
But if there is,
.
I definitely have it!
.
Although I would instead use the terms,
.
.
Insanity!
.
I am not sure if there is such a thing as “Book Sickness” Or “Book Madness” the same way Tolkien described “Gold Sickness” Or “Gold Madness”,
.
But if there is,
.
I definitely have it!
.
Although I would instead use the terms,
.
"Totally reasonable about books!"
.
Or
.
"Book Sanity!"
.
Instead!
.
.
Scenario 6 :
.
Judging Others!
.
“Hermione Granger and Belle are only mere ‘want to be’ lightweights!”
.
.
“They are not ‘Real Readers!’ like me!”
.
.
Scenario 7 :
.
Common Mistakes!
.
Apparently....
.
.
The proper term for light breezy modern female-led fiction is,
.
.
"Chick Lit,"
.
.
It is NOT called,
.
What I happened to think it was called,
.
"Clit Lit,"
.
.
Oops!
.
.
Or
.
"Book Sanity!"
.
Instead!
.
.
Scenario 6 :
.
Judging Others!
.
“Hermione Granger and Belle are only mere ‘want to be’ lightweights!”
.
.
“They are not ‘Real Readers!’ like me!”
.
.
Scenario 7 :
.
Common Mistakes!
.
Apparently....
.
.
The proper term for light breezy modern female-led fiction is,
.
.
"Chick Lit,"
.
.
It is NOT called,
.
What I happened to think it was called,
.
"Clit Lit,"
.
.
Oops!
.
Sorry!
.
.
Scenario 8 :
.
NERDY BOOK FLIRT!
.
.
.
Scenario 8 :
.
NERDY BOOK FLIRT!
.
Hey!
.
Is THAT a large 'Card Index Box' in my pocket?
Or
Am I just glad to see you 'still appreciate the Dewey Decimal Classification System'?
.
.
Conclusion.
.
.
I may very well have a very slight subtle fondness for books.
.
.
But nothing that I cannot handle,
.
.
I can stop any time I want!
.
.
I know this because I checked and self-assessed myself from a Book and it informed Me that I was perfectly normal and “ok”.
.
.
!
.
Dieting HAM-let
.
Mmmmm go get a Pizza or not get a Pizza,
that is the question.
.
Whether it is nobler in the Gut to suffer the Tomato and Cheese of outrageous fortune
.
Or
.
To take on a sea of Salad and by that end them...
.
!
.
Is THAT a large 'Card Index Box' in my pocket?
Or
Am I just glad to see you 'still appreciate the Dewey Decimal Classification System'?
.
.
Conclusion.
.
.
I may very well have a very slight subtle fondness for books.
.
.
But nothing that I cannot handle,
.
.
I can stop any time I want!
.
.
I know this because I checked and self-assessed myself from a Book and it informed Me that I was perfectly normal and “ok”.
.
.
!
.
Dieting HAM-let
.
Mmmmm go get a Pizza or not get a Pizza,
that is the question.
.
Whether it is nobler in the Gut to suffer the Tomato and Cheese of outrageous fortune
.
Or
.
To take on a sea of Salad and by that end them...
.
!
.
!
.
A Dad Scenario 4
.
Family Priorities!
.DAD:
“What are you all doing?”
.
10-Year-Old Daughter:
“Me and Mummy are looking up ‘Warrior Cat’ Books on Amazon for my birthday.”
.
DAD:
“Cool,”
“It will be nice to have some emergency toilet paper if we need it.”
.
10-Year-Old Daughter:
“DADDY!”
<Her eyes narrow…>
“I WILL slit your throat!”
.
MUM
“EXCUSE ME!"
"You two!"
.
DAD AND 10-Year-Old Daughter:
“What?”
.
MUM
“We DO NOT joke about things like that IN ‘THIS’ family…!”
.
<…Slight pause…>
.
<…MUM looks at DAD…>
.
MUM:
“We NEVER EVER joke about harming…”
“…. Books!”
.
DAD AND 10-Year-Old Daughter:
“What?”
.
MUM
“We DO NOT joke about things like that IN ‘THIS’ family…!”
.
<…Slight pause…>
.
<…MUM looks at DAD…>
.
MUM:
“We NEVER EVER joke about harming…”
“…. Books!”
.
.
.
.
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