!
.
I am not well.
.
I do not do my little crappy justice warrior stuff from some middle-class perspective to gain some fucking cache over posh cheese and wine!
.
I can barely sleep without getting horrible vivid nightmares of Holocaust visions and the imagined smell of corpse rot and burning flesh.
.
I cannot remember the last time I ever slept well.
.
I am always exhausted and upset and enraged.
.
I try so hard despite having dyslexia to try and make some tiny butterfly effect difference with the only tool I have, the keyboard.
.
I will wake after only 3-5 hours sleep with some idea that I have to get down or research only to find out that I spelt “Label” as “Lable” or “Does” as “Dose”,
.
Or some other stupid fucked up dyslexic typo.
.
And because I am Dyslexia, no amount of reading through carefully or use of spell checks are adequate.
.
Of course, being dreadfully overtired all the time does not help!
.
And because my struggle to try and be a little help to the world just makes me look like an idiot,
.
I then feel I have failed and that I have let the screaming victims I will dream of that night down!
.
I don’t know whether I should,
.
.
1)
.
!
.
I am a total nut job!
.
I try never to leave the house for the sake of other people safety!
.
Apparently,
.
Due to budget cuts,
.
It is not enough in the UK to turn up at a police station openly in fits of tears of rage because you are haunted by what you might end up doing to someone!
.
You have to actually hurt someone first!
.
I am not a Dr with a medical degree,
.
(I am only merely trapped living in this fucked up head,)
.
So apparently I am not qualified enough to access myself as a risk to the public.
.
Committing someone for life to an asylum (possibly for life) is expensive!
.
So I am left to try and deal with it all myself!
.
Best tactic left available is to try and bate a worse nut job!
.
One who is not trying to resist who they are and who enjoys hurting people into murdering me,
.
So they get put away for life!
.
.
Thus killing to birds with one stone.
.
!
.
.
THE HYPOTHETICAL NIGHTMARE 'FUTURE' VERSION OF ME
.
“IF” I fell from my own personal grace and started to kill people.
.
I will NOT start a fight in a pub.
.
If I want to kill someone in a pub,
.
I would wait for a night when it is close to below freezing outside,
.
Buy my target a load of drinks and be their “Best friend”,
.
Help them stagger home and try and offer to hold their coat.
.
Try and direct them to an ally or unseen spot.
.
And let them collapse in a wet puddle or in some deep snow.
.
Then just walk away and let the cold take them!
.
.
Even with CTV cameras, I have so much plausible deniability that in any legal defence, that I will very likely get away with it!
.
(I will hopefully, never "do this" now because I have put my plans online!)
.
(This protects ‘present me’ from a ‘potential future me’, and hopefully stops a ‘potential future me’ doing this!)
.
.
I would NOT charge into a crowd wielding an axe,
.
I would use poison,
.
Nothing that makes the victim just looks asleep,
.
Something visual.
.
With fits, foaming mouth, and burst blood vessels.
.
I would avoid Arsenic of Lithium if I could,
.
But I would look at all the compounds between atomic numbers 3 to 33.
.
Because they all seem to be the most easily absorbed and hardest to purge!
.
(Although I am not a chemist and allot more reading would be needed!)
.
.
(Note to self: FORBIDDEN RESEARCH!)
(DO NOT DO THIS READING!)
(DO NOT EVEN LIE TO YOURSELF, SAYING!)
(“IT IS ONLY FOR RESEARCH!”)
.
.
Something that is easy to diagnose and treat but would leave “survivors” with a severely diminished quality of life!
.
(Because merely killing someone and destroying someone is NOT the same thing!)
.
A “Dead” person is just a lump of meat,
.
A “Destroyed” person will continue your legacy of pain and destruction!
.
It might even be the start of a never-ending chain that lasts long after you have been forgotten!
.
.
Violence is not Clever or Glamorous
.
It just is.
.
Serial killers and Mass Murderers are NOT and NEVER will be heroes!
.
They are self-deluded and do not realise what they "really are" and what little that "means"!
.
I am not so self-deluded,
I know that if I killed that I would NOT be some dark misunderstood hero of my own tragic story!
.
Just like all other Serial killers and Mass murderers,
I would only be a pathetic weak-willed loser!
,
I know exactly what I would "really be" and how little that "meant"!
.
Violence is dirty and shit!
.
I am not scared of getting. killed, or even dying,
.
(A little nervous maybe But NOT scared!)
.
I am not scared of Prison for that same reason.
.
But I am religious,
.
I am scared of hell.
.
That faith is what stops me becoming the
"THE HYPOTHETICAL NIGHTMARE 'FUTURE' VERSION OF ME!"
mentioned above!
.
It also what takes "Suicide" off the table as a possible solution!
(Out of all Gods laws, this is the one that upsets me the most and that seems the most unfair!)
.
I feel like a man with an upset stomach desperate for a crap!
.
Stuck on a bus hoping to get home in time
Before I crap my pant and humiliate myself!
.
I have such painful severe stomach cramps now that I often consider just letting go,
.
The fear of "the shame " is bothering me less and less compared to my immediate discomfort!
.
I can imagine the deep sense of relief and my bowl void themselves!
.
Almost like a type of orgasm!
.
But instead of held in shit,
.
Imagine holding in violence!
.
Instead of reaching the toilet,
You are just trying to get to the end of your life without hurting anyone!
.
Instead of shame,
It is the fear of hell and damnation is bothering me less and less compared to my immediate discomfort!
.
I know that if I killed,
I would feel a great sense of relief of finally having "let go"!
.
But sooner or later I would "Need" to do it again!
.
It would be "addictive"!
.
That is why there must Never be a "First Time"!
.
.
I WONDER?!
.
I wonder if this hypothetical potential future me would sleep much better and stops having the Daymares Terrors that I have!
.
Because they ‘gave in’ and let themselves be absorbed by the violence inside instead of constantly fighting it!
.
I wonder if they would know peace?
.
.
Friedrich Nietzsche Was an Idiot!
(So was Niccolò Machiavelli)
.
Empathy is the Real, strength power!
And
Killers such as "Jeffrey Dahmer" or "Manson" into counter-culture heroes when you should be elevating people like,
.
Dr Martin Luther King
Or
Mohandas Gandhi.
.
A Pathetic Justice Warriors Guide
To Self loathing!
..
I am not well.
.
I do not do my little crappy justice warrior stuff from some middle-class perspective to gain some fucking cache over posh cheese and wine!
.
I can barely sleep without getting horrible vivid nightmares of Holocaust visions and the imagined smell of corpse rot and burning flesh.
.
I cannot remember the last time I ever slept well.
.
I am always exhausted and upset and enraged.
.
I try so hard despite having dyslexia to try and make some tiny butterfly effect difference with the only tool I have, the keyboard.
.
I will wake after only 3-5 hours sleep with some idea that I have to get down or research only to find out that I spelt “Label” as “Lable” or “Does” as “Dose”,
.
Or some other stupid fucked up dyslexic typo.
.
And because I am Dyslexia, no amount of reading through carefully or use of spell checks are adequate.
.
Of course, being dreadfully overtired all the time does not help!
.
And because my struggle to try and be a little help to the world just makes me look like an idiot,
.
I then feel I have failed and that I have let the screaming victims I will dream of that night down!
.
I don’t know whether I should,
.
.
1)
.
Physically blind myself with some chemical so I can not see to write anymore,
.
2)
.
2)
.
Give into my rage and kill a load of right-wing fuckers with poison,
And Spend eternity in hell.
.
.
I do not know how much will power I have left,
.
It must be a finite resource!
.
I do know I cannot keep going on like this!
.
My rage is slowly killing me!
.
Can anyone or anything out there help me!
.
I am starting to get really desperate!
.
Whatever your faith please pray for me to get some more strength,
And Spend eternity in hell.
.
.
I do not know how much will power I have left,
.
It must be a finite resource!
.
I do know I cannot keep going on like this!
.
My rage is slowly killing me!
.
Can anyone or anything out there help me!
.
I am starting to get really desperate!
.
Whatever your faith please pray for me to get some more strength,
From somewhere!
.
!
.
!
.
!
.
I am a total nut job!
.
I try never to leave the house for the sake of other people safety!
.
Apparently,
.
Due to budget cuts,
.
It is not enough in the UK to turn up at a police station openly in fits of tears of rage because you are haunted by what you might end up doing to someone!
.
You have to actually hurt someone first!
.
I am not a Dr with a medical degree,
.
(I am only merely trapped living in this fucked up head,)
.
So apparently I am not qualified enough to access myself as a risk to the public.
.
Committing someone for life to an asylum (possibly for life) is expensive!
.
So I am left to try and deal with it all myself!
.
Best tactic left available is to try and bate a worse nut job!
.
One who is not trying to resist who they are and who enjoys hurting people into murdering me,
.
So they get put away for life!
.
.
Thus killing to birds with one stone.
.
!
.
.
THE HYPOTHETICAL NIGHTMARE 'FUTURE' VERSION OF ME
.
“IF” I fell from my own personal grace and started to kill people.
.
I will NOT start a fight in a pub.
.
If I want to kill someone in a pub,
.
I would wait for a night when it is close to below freezing outside,
.
Buy my target a load of drinks and be their “Best friend”,
.
Help them stagger home and try and offer to hold their coat.
.
Try and direct them to an ally or unseen spot.
.
And let them collapse in a wet puddle or in some deep snow.
.
Then just walk away and let the cold take them!
.
.
Even with CTV cameras, I have so much plausible deniability that in any legal defence, that I will very likely get away with it!
.
(I will hopefully, never "do this" now because I have put my plans online!)
.
(This protects ‘present me’ from a ‘potential future me’, and hopefully stops a ‘potential future me’ doing this!)
.
.
I would NOT charge into a crowd wielding an axe,
.
I would use poison,
.
Nothing that makes the victim just looks asleep,
.
Something visual.
.
With fits, foaming mouth, and burst blood vessels.
.
I would avoid Arsenic of Lithium if I could,
.
But I would look at all the compounds between atomic numbers 3 to 33.
.
Because they all seem to be the most easily absorbed and hardest to purge!
.
(Although I am not a chemist and allot more reading would be needed!)
.
.
(Note to self: FORBIDDEN RESEARCH!)
(DO NOT DO THIS READING!)
(DO NOT EVEN LIE TO YOURSELF, SAYING!)
(“IT IS ONLY FOR RESEARCH!”)
.
.
Something that is easy to diagnose and treat but would leave “survivors” with a severely diminished quality of life!
.
(Because merely killing someone and destroying someone is NOT the same thing!)
.
A “Dead” person is just a lump of meat,
.
A “Destroyed” person will continue your legacy of pain and destruction!
.
It might even be the start of a never-ending chain that lasts long after you have been forgotten!
.
.
Violence is not Clever or Glamorous
.
It just is.
.
Serial killers and Mass Murderers are NOT and NEVER will be heroes!
.
They are self-deluded and do not realise what they "really are" and what little that "means"!
.
I am not so self-deluded,
I know that if I killed that I would NOT be some dark misunderstood hero of my own tragic story!
.
Just like all other Serial killers and Mass murderers,
I would only be a pathetic weak-willed loser!
,
I know exactly what I would "really be" and how little that "meant"!
.
Violence is dirty and shit!
.
I am not scared of getting. killed, or even dying,
.
(A little nervous maybe But NOT scared!)
.
I am not scared of Prison for that same reason.
.
But I am religious,
.
I am scared of hell.
.
That faith is what stops me becoming the
"THE HYPOTHETICAL NIGHTMARE 'FUTURE' VERSION OF ME!"
mentioned above!
.
It also what takes "Suicide" off the table as a possible solution!
(Out of all Gods laws, this is the one that upsets me the most and that seems the most unfair!)
.
I feel like a man with an upset stomach desperate for a crap!
.
Stuck on a bus hoping to get home in time
Before I crap my pant and humiliate myself!
.
I have such painful severe stomach cramps now that I often consider just letting go,
.
The fear of "the shame " is bothering me less and less compared to my immediate discomfort!
.
I can imagine the deep sense of relief and my bowl void themselves!
.
Almost like a type of orgasm!
.
But instead of held in shit,
.
Imagine holding in violence!
.
Instead of reaching the toilet,
You are just trying to get to the end of your life without hurting anyone!
.
Instead of shame,
It is the fear of hell and damnation is bothering me less and less compared to my immediate discomfort!
.
I know that if I killed,
I would feel a great sense of relief of finally having "let go"!
.
But sooner or later I would "Need" to do it again!
.
It would be "addictive"!
.
That is why there must Never be a "First Time"!
.
.
I WONDER?!
.
I wonder if this hypothetical potential future me would sleep much better and stops having the Daymares Terrors that I have!
.
Because they ‘gave in’ and let themselves be absorbed by the violence inside instead of constantly fighting it!
.
I wonder if they would know peace?
.
.
Friedrich Nietzsche Was an Idiot!
(So was Niccolò Machiavelli)
.
Empathy is the Real, strength power!
.
Not ruthlessness.
.
Ruthlessness is the weakness.
.
Mortality is not a limiting cage,
But instead, gives a sense of purpose and meaning!
.
As a species, we evolved social skills and ability to act as a group that far surpasses all other self-aware species!
.
The bones of this mental tool kit are Empathy!
(Which should be taught more as a skill in schools!)
.
Empathy is NOT just a wishy-washy fluffy idea,
It is an ability to visualise, plan and manage a group dynamic!
.
It is a vital part of team building!
(In the face of pending human-environmental extinction, we are desperately going to need super-effective "Teamwork")
.
As a species, we evolved social skills and ability to act as a group that far surpasses all other self-aware species!
.
The bones of this mental tool kit are Empathy!
(Which should be taught more as a skill in schools!)
.
Empathy is NOT just a wishy-washy fluffy idea,
It is an ability to visualise, plan and manage a group dynamic!
.
It is a vital part of team building!
(In the face of pending human-environmental extinction, we are desperately going to need super-effective "Teamwork")
.
The reason you lot out there do not give these things their proper value, is because you seem to have it endlessly on tap and take it for granted!
.
As a "Nut Job" looking in at your warm Christmas Feast of Empathy from the snow-encrusted window out in the cold,
.
I can see most people do not realise how lucky they are!
.
I see dipshit (mostly Men) cling and bark and brag about how "Hard" they are and feeding delusional egos with the poisonous idea that an ability to be Violent is somehow a good thing!
.
And I cannot correct them because that would be like trying to explain Nuclear Physics to a Squirrel!
.
They would see it as some weird arse counter brag or participation in their fucked up pissing competition!
.
All of you can feel joy compassion and love and hope in a way my screwed up brain never can!
.
And I feel jealous of you all!
Why else did you think people like me enjoy hurting people like you!
.
There is no such thing as a Nietzsche "Superman"!
Only fellow sad individuals living a half-life wishing they could feel the warmth and light you are taking for granted!
.
And you seem to think the hidden monsters are lucky!
.
You make "things" like Gangsters such as "Al Capone" or "The Krays", And
Killers such as "Jeffrey Dahmer" or "Manson" into counter-culture heroes when you should be elevating people like,
.
Dr Martin Luther King
Or
Mohandas Gandhi.
.
How stupid can you lot possibly be!
.
How stupid can you lot possibly be!
.
Hold, love, and Care for each other,
Let go of all the Hate and the stupid barriers you put,
Such as
Race, Gender, Faith, Football Teams and all the other crap that never really mattered that you hold between yourselves!
Such as
Race, Gender, Faith, Football Teams and all the other crap that never really mattered that you hold between yourselves!
.
Not just because it is the right thing to do!
.
DO it because YOU CAN.
.
Do it because others CAN NOT!
.
!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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