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The Last Best Man Speech EVER!
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By
Ross E Fortune Lombardi
BA (print media)
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By
Ross E Fortune Lombardi
BA (print media)
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On the 18th Nov 2020 as part of a BBC band B writer application.
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Setting:
Underground bunker
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Speaker:
A Man dressed in military-style fatigues.
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Ideal Cast:
Perhaps, David Mitchel
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Dear Lady and Gentleman
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It is normally the standard practice to thank all the guest at any wedding for coming.
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I would like to thank you all here at this wedding reception on Floor 42, in room 137.
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We can allow ourselves to assume, perhaps, that one hundred per cent of the entire world's population is here.
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We can also almost be certain that almost one hundred per cent of the entire world all loves us.
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At least sometimes…
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Thank you.
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Thank you for laughing at my best man speech joke.
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I would like to thank the groom's mother and sister for all the hard work that she had done to make this day happen.
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I imagine that the wedding cake almost manages not to just taste like reconstituted mushroom powder and mashed up food rations.
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But I have never tasted a real cake, so that would only be a guess.
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Although, it is indeed a tragic and terrible shame that the bride fathers had passed away twenty odd years ago.
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I would like to thank brides, fathers, grandson for agreeing to help give her away.
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The groom has known the bride his entire life.
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While the blushing bride had known the groom for at least twenty-odd years.
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You could honestly say that there was no one else in the world for these two…
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…Due to this underground vault having been hermetically sealed from the outside for the last fifty years.
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And so, while it is technically true that perhaps, that one hundred per cent of the entire world's population is here.
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It is still a small wedding, that only includes The Bride, the Groom, the groom's mother, the groom's sister, The best man, and all of the bridesmaid.
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Only two people have, in fact, turned up for this wedding.
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Including both, You the bride and Me the groom.
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Only two of us could have ever turned up for this wedding.
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Me…
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...And You.
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Although “Turned up” might be a bit of a generous, exaggerated, statement.
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Unless by “Turned up” you are happy to just mean this particular floor and this particular room.
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Floor 42 room 137.
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But as previously stated that does manage to include the Bride, the Groom, The groom's mother, The groom's sister, The best man, and all of the bridesmaid.
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We could lower ourselves to negative thinking and let ourselves feel that this speech is pretty redundant.
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But I felt that as this might be the last wedding ever on the face of the earth between two humans.
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That we should make the best of it, my dear mother, and try to make it seem as traditional as possible.
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So here is to us both.
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On this happy, happy day.
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The very last people on this sorry, scorched, earth!
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Cheers!
.
Setting:
Underground bunker
.
Speaker:
A Man dressed in military-style fatigues.
.
Ideal Cast:
Perhaps, David Mitchel
.
.
Dear Lady and Gentleman
.
It is normally the standard practice to thank all the guest at any wedding for coming.
.
I would like to thank you all here at this wedding reception on Floor 42, in room 137.
.
We can allow ourselves to assume, perhaps, that one hundred per cent of the entire world's population is here.
.
We can also almost be certain that almost one hundred per cent of the entire world all loves us.
.
At least sometimes…
.
<A Single female voice laughs>
.Thank you.
.
Thank you for laughing at my best man speech joke.
.
I would like to thank the groom's mother and sister for all the hard work that she had done to make this day happen.
.
I imagine that the wedding cake almost manages not to just taste like reconstituted mushroom powder and mashed up food rations.
.
But I have never tasted a real cake, so that would only be a guess.
.
Although, it is indeed a tragic and terrible shame that the bride fathers had passed away twenty odd years ago.
.
I would like to thank brides, fathers, grandson for agreeing to help give her away.
.
The groom has known the bride his entire life.
.
While the blushing bride had known the groom for at least twenty-odd years.
.
You could honestly say that there was no one else in the world for these two…
.
…Due to this underground vault having been hermetically sealed from the outside for the last fifty years.
.
And so, while it is technically true that perhaps, that one hundred per cent of the entire world's population is here.
.
It is still a small wedding, that only includes The Bride, the Groom, the groom's mother, the groom's sister, The best man, and all of the bridesmaid.
.
Only two people have, in fact, turned up for this wedding.
.
Including both, You the bride and Me the groom.
.
Only two of us could have ever turned up for this wedding.
.
Me…
.
...And You.
.
Although “Turned up” might be a bit of a generous, exaggerated, statement.
.
Unless by “Turned up” you are happy to just mean this particular floor and this particular room.
.
Floor 42 room 137.
.
But as previously stated that does manage to include the Bride, the Groom, The groom's mother, The groom's sister, The best man, and all of the bridesmaid.
.
We could lower ourselves to negative thinking and let ourselves feel that this speech is pretty redundant.
.
But I felt that as this might be the last wedding ever on the face of the earth between two humans.
.
That we should make the best of it, my dear mother, and try to make it seem as traditional as possible.
.
So here is to us both.
.
On this happy, happy day.
.
The very last people on this sorry, scorched, earth!
.
Cheers!
.
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<END>
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<END>
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